don't hassel the boff

if i could have lunch with a tv celebrity

2010-01-07T09:13:00.016-05:00

it would be a toss up between this guy:

phil from modern family

or this guy:

andy from the office

a real find

2009-12-12T21:57:00.013-05:00

there are certain things that i do simply because i know that doing those things will make me more attractive to the opposite sex. for instance, i spend a fair amount of time in front of the mirror. i don't do anything. i just stand there. but i once overheard a girl say, “the more time i spend in front of the mirror, the better looking i get.” and i figured if it works for girls, it should work for guys. i also try to maintain a fresh style. something that says, "look at me. i'm hip and cool." this is why i’m growing my hair out. i plan on parting it down the middle, much like i did during my social hay day back in high school.

it's time i'm bring this look back.

finally, i play sports. a while ago, i read in men's health that your average girl would prefer to date a guy who is athletic. the article even went so far as to rank those sports that the lady folk find most sexy. in descending order they were: 3) football 2) soccer and 1) table tennis. this should come as no surprise as wang hao (the #1 table tennis player in the world) is often mentioned in the same breath as tom brady and david beckham.

so while living in ny, i decided to join wang chen's table tennis club. i bought the right equipment. i took lessons. i played in tournaments. i even sacrificed many a friday night hanging out at the club. all in the name of improving my game. and my sex appeal. in moving to utah, i was concerned that all that time and money would be for naught; it would be difficult to maintain my skills and appeal in a place where table tennis would have very little presence. fortunately for me, i was wrong.

recently, i visited the wasatch front table tennis club. located in west salt lake, this table tennis gold mind has been around for 25 years and boasts 12 tables and over 70 members, many of whom are highly rated. i was shocked. i walked in with a ny arrogance born from rubbing shoulders with one of the elite female players in the world and her underlings. i walked out humbled. i played four matches. i lost all four. the competition, on average, was just as good, if not slightly better than the competition at my club in ny. nevertheless, i was elated. i have found a new place to hone my athletic prowess and animal magnetism.

ladies: this is where i will be spending my friday nights. don't be strangers.

so long new york

2009-12-03T01:18:00.015-05:00

when my oldest brother jason turned 12, and passed an important religious milestone, my dad took him skiing in utah. a father and son trip if you will. this started a tradition. dad would take each son on a trip around his 12^th birthday to celebrate and to bond. i use the word “around” loosely as he took cam to florida when he was 14, and he took me to new york city when i was 18; i can’t remember if/when/where he took chris. in hindsight, i’m glad we went to new york when we did. i doubt i would have been so affected had i gone at a younger age.

if trips were dates, then my first date with manhattan would have been considered a smashing success. love at first site, really. so much so that i was moved to pen the words, “in new york, these streets will make you feel brand new, the lights will inspire you. let’s hear it for new york. new york. new york.”, which i eventually sold to a famous rap artist for like a billion dollars. those few words sum up well the reason for my fascination with and love for manhattan. there are very few people, places or things that have the ability to move me. watching Baywatch as a 14 year old was one of them. as is watching Baywatch as a 32 year old. but new york moves me in a different way. i like to think a more meaningful way.

a while ago i took an aptitude exam. this exam included a series of random tests. one test measured my hand strength, which was somewhat depressing considering i fell in the 10^th percentile among 7-year old girls. another test determined the depth of my vocabulary. other tests examined my three dimensional thinking, my facility with numbers, my ability to recognize patterns and tones and my creativity. and there were many others. the point of these tests were to highlight my strengths and weaknesses so that i could more easily discern which careers would come more naturally to me and which careers wouldn’t. the test results drew some definitive conclusions. on some tests it was pretty embarrassing. i scored so low that the test administrator recommended i repeat the 1^st grade. on the majority of the tests i scored in the middle of the pack. just an average guy. on a few i scored in the higher percentile, suggesting there was still hope. and in one area i scored particularly high, or "off the charts" as the test administrator liked to say. the aptitude for foresight.

because i didn’t score terribly high on the vocabulary test, i didn’t have the exact definition of the word foresight clearly in my mind. the word sounded to me like something a superhero would possess and i fantasized briefly about the possibility of pursuing a career with wolverine and his merry band of x-men. i should have thought of a clever handle, but i couldn’t get the voice of gossip girl out of my mind’s ear: “[fore]sighted: hasselboff and wolverine cruising through the village on their scooters. looks like wolverine has a new best friend iceman. oh, don’t feel bad just because they’re throwing a party later and the only way you can get in is if you have foresight, claws or breasts. i’m sure you’ll get an invite to the winter formal. that is if they’re looking for someone to turn the dance floor into a ice rink. so probably not. xoxo - gossip girl.” the test administrator cut off my train of thought. “foresight is an aptitude for seeing possibilities and can help one determine the best approach to goal setting", she said.

i’ve thought about that test lately and my aptitude for foresight. i don’t know to what degree i possess this aptitude, or even the accuracy of that test, or even the real value of this aptitude as it relates to careers and success. but i do think this aptitude may help explain my infatuation with manhattan. i tend to think about the future outcome of short-term decisions and whether those decisions will yield greater or less opportunities in the future. for instance, when deciding on a career, i was never able to get excited about taking a job as a toll booth attendant because there was a definite ceiling on income and growth, not to mention sex appeal. i had to pursue a job in which there was no limit. new york, to me, is a living, breathing portrait of limitless possibilities, and is a constant reminder of the potential one can achieve as it is the center of all things awesome…from the food and shopping, to the arts and entertainment, to the creative and intellectual, to the professional and educational. and staring that potential in the face every day is what filled me with ambition, excitement and wonder, as cheesy as that may sound, and, in a way, allowed me to project that potential onto myself. and for this reason i think i took so easily to new york and why new york, with its streets that made me feel brand new and with its lights that inspired me, became such a meaningful place.

i was reading mary’s blog recently. and her list of the 100 things she would miss most about new york. some didn’t have as much meaning to me as they were more relevant to her and her family. but many did. one especially. friends. she articulates well here many of the sentiments i feel as i look back on my time in ny and think about the friendships we created. and i realize that, like mary, among those things that i will miss most about the city, my friends are at the top of the list. “missing friends” sounds somewhat clichéish. but when i tried to articulate to a group of people the gratitude i felt for the people with whom i had built close friendships during my time in ny, i got all emotional and stuff. that's not like me. but i guess i just felt lucky for having friends that became family and maybe i sensed the rarity of finding those types of relationships.

my only regret is that i didn't do a better job documenting the memories we created. and so more for my posterity than for the pleasure of the three or four of you who may be reading this, i mention a few now: sitting on the couch with davis, melissa and lyla and watching american idol; long-boarding; the hamptons film festival; weekends at lake winnipesauke; limeade, chocolate chip cookies, dinners and more at the romneys; washing the dishes shirtless at the combs; playing halo with the guys; our sunday evenings in central park; sick-die-dead; beating craig in squash; saturday morning brunch and the occasional celebrity siting at bubbys; dinners and games at the moes; davis and melissa's wedding; taking the scooters across the brooklyn bridge to gramaldes and then watching the met opera in prospect park; weekly visits to our close friend, patsy's; dining at the shake shack; wandering around soho; cruising on the scooters with the guys up to dinosaur bbq after priesthood; the last play at shea; saturday night dinners and chinese massages; playing volleyball in riverside park; painting davis and melissa's new pad; craig and i pulling off the miracle of fitting everything in the truck; working with slade; photo shoots with the girls; trips to the beach; listening to melissa say "don't ron"; cruising around the city on our scooters; just hanging out.

there are many more. i will add to the list. but this works for now. it gives me something to read and to remember how fortunate i was to live in manhattan and to have such wonderful people with whom to enjoy it.

i am now trying to find comparable meaning and friendships in sandy, utah. wish me luck.

a note to my future girlfriend

2009-06-30T03:05:00.012-04:00

hi future girlfriend,

i’d like to share a story with you.

my junior year of college my brother, cameron, and i came to new york to interview for internships. we didn’t know the city well, so our dad, who had spent the early part of his career working in manhattan, offered to book us a reservation. for reasons unknown to me, he put us at the hotel chelsea. when we arrived i couldn’t help but notice a bar located adjacent to the hotel. most of the people frequenting the bar were dressed in black leather and tattoos. as i walked into the hotel, i made some judgmental assumptions about the character of the people who would dress in such a manner and hang out at such a place.

as cameron and i were checking in, a tall man, dressed in black leather and tattoos entered the hotel and walked directly towards me. my heart raced. i was convinced this man had read my thoughts outside the hotel and was coming to give me my just deserts. in my mind’s eye i envisioned him knocking me out, dragging me by the hair back to the bar, tying me up with his leather tassels and branding me with “i love frank” tattoos. but i noticed that the dude was carrying our bags (apparently the taxi driver didn’t know he was supposed to bring our bags to our room and instead left them on the curb). he walked up to us and said, “you’re not in kansas anymore boys”, set the bags down, turned around and left. the scary dude turned out to be a decent dude after all.

i share this story with you because it demonstrates why it is so inappropriate to make assumptions solely based off appearance, and i'm concerned that you, my future girlfriend, may unwittingly fall into this trap once you find out that i live with my best friend and his wife. i would hate for our relationship to be denied the opportunity of realizing its true potential simply because you think something must be wrong with a 32 year old who would live in a 500 square foot apartment with newlyweds, a puppy, an over sized couch, two large bikes, an assembled rock band set and an african drum. so before you make the biggest mistake of your young life by hastily assigning me to your list of “undatables”, i would humbly request that you consider the following…

1) because you are my future girlfriend, i’m guessing you are young enough to still be living with your parents. so in reality we are not that different. we both live with a married couple.

2) by living with a married couple i am learning important skills that will make me a much better boyfriend. for instance, i have learned that a puppy likes it when you speak in a really high voice and say the words, “you are my perfect princess” over and over and over again. and then one more time just for good measure. just think how well trained i’ll be and how good you’ll feel when i whisper in your ear, “you are my perfect princess. definitely my perfect princess. definitely. definitely my perfect princess.”

3) no single, thirty-something-year-old dude should be denied the gift of living with his best friend, married or not. to deny a man that right would just be lame and almost un-American. surely you can understand that. i would think you would find it attractive for a man like myself to stand up to unreasonable social norms that would restrict such liberties. will you join me in this crusade?

4) it’s awesome when melissa goes to bed early cause davis and i can stay up and play halo.

5) please understand that this living arrangement is in no way a permanent thing. i give this 2, 3 years tops.

6) when i bring you home, should we find a sock on the frontdoor handle, that’s code for melissa’s making lasagna and you’re invited. for the fun of it, we'll scream in cafe rio-like fashion "FREE MEAL" and then wait five mintues before entering.

see. you have nothing to worry about. i’m a perfectly normal guy. i’d go so far as to say a catch, really. actually definitely. definitely a catch. definitely. a catch definitely.

we're totally normal. i promise.

a special day

2009-04-08T22:25:00.021-04:00

davis and melissa got married last friday. it was in many ways an ideal day. melissa looked beautiful. davis looked dashing. the ceremony and reception were memorable and fun. this video captured the occasion well.

Davis and Melissa from Joshua Brown on Vimeo.

davis asked me to say a few words at the reception. this is what i said:

as i have thought about davis and melissa's courtship, its duration and its ups and downs, i couldn't help but feel a sense of relief that davis fell in love with someone who was endowed with the gifts of patience and loyalty. melissa is an extremely loyal person - loyal to her family, loyal to her friends and loyal to davis. and davis is a better man for it. i know davis well, probably better than he wishes. and i believe that melissa's patience and loyalty were well spent.

frequently, when i speak with people who know that davis and i are close friends, i am told something like this, "davis is one of the funniest people i have ever met." i have heard that statement, or one like it, so many times that it has become a bit obnoxious. i am tired of being davis' ed mcmahon. i share this with you because i believe that statement highlights one of davis' greatest gifts - his sense of humor. his quick wit and descriptive prowess are unmatched. people are drawn to davis and find him so much fun to be around because of his ability to make others laugh. but i love davis, not just because he is a funny person, but more so because he is a good person.

recently, davis, melissa and i were headed from our apartment to the gym for our annual work out. we walked up our street and happened upon an older gentlemen lying in a pile of trash bags. our street is fairly busy and it was after work, so many people had likely passed him by. we stopped and davis asked the old man if he was ok. the old man mumbled something we couldn't understand and it quickly became apparent he was drunk and had probably passed out. davis suggested we help him up and we did. once upon his feet, the old man became self conscious and understandably so. his pants had fallen below his waist so that his bum was completely exposed. as well, it looked as though he had needed to use the bathroom but had forgotten to zip down; the front of his pants were soaked. because our hands were full trying to keep this guy steady, davis asked melissa to help the old man pull up his trousers. and she did. talk about loyalty.

at this point, i was feeling we had done our good deed and could take off. davis was concerned that if we left him, he'd likely pass out again. and because it was 10 degrees outside, he was worried the man could become ill, or worse, could die from hypothermia. so i walked back to the apartment to grab a warmer coat and to powder my nose. when i returned davis had sat the old man down on some steps and had called 911. help arrived a short while later and we headed for the gym.

i share this story because it demonstrates some of davis' more angelic attributes. davis is a very empathetic, selfless, caring person, and i believe that these attributes, coupled with his sense of humor, will make him an exceptional husband and father. and i know that melissa will be an equally exceptional wife and mother.

i am uniquely unqualified to offer any pearls of wisdom on marriage. so without further adieu, i would like to say to the bride and groom, i love you, and my hope is that your love and friendship will continue to grow, and bring you a lifetime and eternity of true joy and happiness.

babysitter anyone?

2009-02-08T00:57:00.003-05:00

my latest obsession: table tennis

2008-12-30T00:34:00.025-05:00

i don't even remember how i found it. maybe it was fortuitous. perhaps it was destiny. but a short while ago i discovered the wang chen table tennis club, located on 100th st. between broadway and west end, just five blocks from my apartment. i love table tennis. some of my most vivid childhood memories are of late nights spent in the basement in heated ping pong battles with my dad and brothers. i can even remember thinking that one day i wanted to play ping pong for the usa in the olympics. i was intrigued that such a place existed in the city and so i wandered in. i was greeted by two young asian ladies who informed me in broken english that the club was closed. they gave me a brochure and sent me on my way.

one of the reasons i love this city is because of the interesting people you meet and places you discover, sometimes right under your nose. this ping pong establishment is operated by wang chen. chen was born and raised in china. she was picked to play table tennis when she was in the first grade. she and her classmates threw balls into a basket and whoever landed three became table tennis specialists. by 9 she was training with the junior national team; by 11 she was a professional, training 8 hours a day; at 14, she became the junior singles champion; and at 17 she became a member of the chinese national team where she rose to the rank of #4 in the world. much to her dismay, however, she was passed over for the atlanta and sydney olympics. while her ranking alone would typically have qualified her for the games, the olympic committee limits china to three players because of its worldwide dominance in the sport. and the three chinese players that were olympic bound happened to hold the world rankings of #1, 2 and 3. following the sydney games, chen retired from ping pong and immigrated to the states. time past. chen was focused on teaching. but then a couple years ago one of her students convinced her she should make another go of pursuing her dream. although long past her prime and in her early thirties (considered an advanced age in the competitive world of ping pong), she started training again. this past summer she fulfilled her dream, representing the usa in beijing and becoming the first american to make it to the quarterfinals in olympic competition. as of september, she was ranked #1 in north america and #15 in the world.

pursed lips means it's business time.

i didn't know any of this the first time i met chen. i walked into the club one wednesday night and entered my name with a friendly asian lady who was marking down players for the weekly table tennis tournament. "do you give lessons?". "yes. $100 an hour", the lady replied. "wow. that's a bit steep. are you worth it?". she responded simply, "yes". i told her i'd give it some thought and went in to warm up. it wasn't until after my humiliating debut in which i lost in straight games to a well mannered australian that i learned of her background. the aussie, who incidentally went on to win the tournament thus softening the blow to my ego from my embarrassing loss, pointed to a massive poster hanging on the wall. i hadn't noticed that it was of the friendly asian lady. she was dressed in usa olympic garb and was competing in the beijing olympics. he told me her story. i felt sheepish for questioning the value of her lessons.

chen in her attack position.

since that tournament i have been addicted. i became a card carrying member of chen's club, i take lessons from her underlings (there are a number of teenage asian girls that come to the states for a year to learn english. they are wicked awesome ping pong players and they teach lessons to earn money. they charge quite a bit less than chen. so i take from them. but because they don't speak english, chen stands nearby and offers suggestions. so in a way i get a $100 lesson at a fraction of the cost), and every wednesday night i compete in chen's tournament. typically 14 - 16 people show up. she splits the group into two pools and each competitor plays everyone in his or her respective pool once. the top two from each pool go into a playoff. the runner up takes home a trophy. the winner claims not only a trophy, but also a $60 gift certificate for a haircut from a local salon. so far my best showing is 5-2. that wasn't good enough to make the playoffs. prior to joining the club i considered myself a fairly solid recreational player. since then i've realized i'm quite a ways from turning my childhood goal of going to the olympics into a reality. while i've had some honorable victories, i've had even more noteworthy losses. just to mention a few...

1. i lost to a 5th grader. daniel is a slightly overweight kid with hair like josh groban and grace like chris farley. he was born and raised on the upper west side and is evidence that kids from manhattan do, in fact, grow up more quickly. he asked what i do for work and when i told him i'm in real estate private equity, he quipped, "great industry to be in right now." he's 11. but the kids got my number. when i was getting ready for a lesson he told me how to say "i need to learn how to serve" in chinese, but what he really taught me was, "i think you're beautiful", which must have been a little creepy for my instructor to hear given she is a 16 yr old asian girl. but my personal favorite was the consoling words he offered upon dismantling me 3 games to 1: "don't worry. you'll be as good as me when you're 11".

daniel and i pose for a photo op during our weigh-in just prior to the match.

2. i lost to a 15 year old girl. this loss was perhaps the most frustrating. i beat her the first game and was feeling very confident. i won the first few points in the 2nd game and then she walked around to my side of the table and asked if she could see my paddle. "ooohhhhh" she said as she examined the double-sided pips. "oohh"? what does that mean, i wondered. she walked back to her side of the table and cast a funky spell on her serve; my powers to return proved useless. she went on to win 2 games to 1

3. i lost to a handicap. there's an older gentlemen who shows up to the tournaments on something that looks likes this. he scoots over to his assigned ping pong table, and like a paraplegic moving from a wheelchair to a bed, he shifts himself from his scooter onto a chair positioned at the end of the table. you know where i'm going with this. and the answer is yes. i really did lose to a guy who played me sitting down. am i embarrassed? yes. frankly, i am.

4. i lost to a celebrity. not long ago i was at the club playing when this guy walked in...

judah friedlander from thirty rock.

i didn't want to make a big scene. so in a very smooth way i blurted out "OH MY GOSH. I'M A HUGE FAN OF YOURS!!!" and then i started to cry. he was flattered. we introduced ourselves and then i went back to playing my game. after beating my opponent chen told him to play me. he walked over and said, "it's ryan, right?". "yeah, you're juno?". "no. judah", he replied. sometimes i really am an idiot. it took me three minutes to forget a guy's name to whom just three minutes prior i had gushed of how big a fan i was. he was such a down to earth dude and was more than happy to accommodate one of the asian instructors who requested a picture with him. we played for a while. he has a nasty serve. i couldn't figure it out. so he beat me every time.

these loses taken individually are mostly just embarrassing (except for the one to judah. that was just cool), but collectively they have forced me to become more realistic about my table tennis aspirations. winning chen's wednesday night tournament has become my new olympics. that is unless i have a date with destiny in london come 2012. but either way, i'm just fortunate to have stumbled upon chen's club.

happy holidays from the hasselboff

2008-12-21T10:25:00.003-05:00

courtesy of slade combs

pick em pool

2008-10-30T10:51:00.002-04:00

for the past 5 years i have participated in a nfl pick em pool. originally, the group was small, consisting of about 15 friends. word spread of the raucous time we were having and this year there are 44 of us. playing in the pool can be fun and frustrating. right now i’m loving life because i’m ranked #2. it’s aggravating when you don't do well because you have to endure the trash talking and humiliation that comes with doing so poorly. but it’s especially frustrating for those who actually know something about football and still end up losing to guys who think that each game consists of three periods or is played with a round ball that you hit around with your feet.

one of the participants, whose identity has not been revealed (otherwise i would definitely make mention of him here), put together a video that depicts the frustration that one feels at the bottom of the pack...

slandrea's children

2008-10-08T21:31:00.012-04:00

c-boff introduced me to a site that has the technology to accurately determine what the offspring of two people would like should they mate. they do this by taking two photos of the partners and through some magical methods whip up an image of the child. i figured a sneak preview of what slandrea's children will look like may just be the extra incentive they need to get started making babies. so i took the liberty of conducting an experiment and i submitted their photos to the baby making experts. i had wondered if the results would be as accurate for them as they were for chris and maeve, whose child is a spitting image of the parents. i think slandrea will be quite pleased.

arr matey!!! el capitan has his mother's eyes and father's lips

the princess has her mother's eyes and father's lips

i should have gone into lead singing

2008-10-06T21:55:00.008-04:00

watching brandon flowers perform "human" on snl made me realize i chose the wrong major. had i followed my gut and gone with music/dance/theater, i'd be wearing jackets with furry shoulders and doing rad dance moves while singing before adoring fans.

it's hard not envy this guy. he has a great voice, is super handsome, is terribly entertaining and is a talented song writer to boot.

(saturday night live removed the video of the killers from youtube. so i had to resort to the following. this is not a video, so you will not have the pleasure of seeing the amazing b-flow, but the song is really really good).

i'm engaged

2008-09-28T20:37:00.022-04:00

i typically don't blog about really personal things. but this past summer i met someone who changed my life, and i felt a need to share. from the moment we met there was instant chemistry, and we've been inseparable ever since.

i've kept my feelings for her under wraps for a very simple reason: she is quite a bit younger than i. i've learned that people can be terribly judgmental on this issue. some do not look fondly on an older lad like myself hanging out with someone over a decade younger. i didn't want to be affected by these naysayers and therefore felt it wise to keep a low profile. it's a good thing. it turns out there is great truth to the saying "love knows no age". it would have been a shame to pass her by given how happy i am.

she is unlike anyone i've ever been with. always up for a good time. always game to go wherever, do whatever. full of energy and so low maintenance. not to mention she is beautiful. i consider myself a very lucky guy. and so it is with great excitement that i introduce you to the love of my life.

oh. by the way, by "i'm engaged" i mean i've been busy or occupied, which is why i haven't blogged much as of late. i'll do better going forward.

exciting news

2008-09-23T17:24:00.003-04:00

i will be making a very important announcement this weekend. stay tuned.

these girls are 16 and i'm 6'2"

2008-08-13T09:19:00.007-04:00

granted, they are wicked awesome gymnasts. but does the chinese government really think we’re stupid enough to believe they didn’t doctor these girl’s passports???

stop staring and get your own

2008-08-07T23:25:00.020-04:00

this post is written to people living in manhattan. if you do not live in manhattan then you will likely find this post irrelevant and would be better off going here.

i've got a simple scenario i'd like to run by you:

everyday you arrive to work and take the stairs 30 flights up to your floor. you arrive to your office sweaty, annoyed and tired. this goes on for quite awhile and then one day i point out to you that the building has an elevator. you a) continue taking the stairs, b) take the elevator or c) take the elevator down to the basement and then walk 31 flights up to your floor. idiots would choose c), a few of you (namely slade, davis and craig) would choose b), but the vast majority of you would choose a). now i know what you're thinking. "no way hasselboff. you're crazy. why in the world would i continue taking the stairs when i could simply take the elevator?" my answer: for the same reason you continue to ride the subway, rather than buy a scooter.

i don't know how many times we've talked about this. every time we do you seem jealous. but i'm realizing that having a scooter in the city is like having a tan in southern california. you wonder why everyone stares in envy when they could just get their own. i'm going to layout 10 solid reasons you need to get your own scooter, and now.

10) no more sweating in the subway. you will never ever again have to deal with that annoying sweat bead that trickles down your spine, igniting a flood of perspiration that leaves you looking like you just ran a marathon in a monsoon.
9) better commute. rather than elbowing your way onto a packed subway car where you are forced to smell your neighbor, you will take a leisurely ride on your scooter where you are at liberty to smell the roses.
8) chicks and dudes dig it. whether you're picking up on karen or darren, you're chances will improve drastically.
7) get to know the city. take the scooter around town and in short order you will know manhattan like you know your roommate's dirty secrets. you will be shocked at the number of neighborhoods you never knew existed.
6) it's economical. you can get a vespa or a stella or a lance or a whatever. there are a plethora of options and affordable ones too. you probably spend between $150 - $200 a month on transportation - $81 for your subway pass and $70 - $120 on taxis. you can finance a scooter, and cover your monthly payment, gas and insurance all for under $200 bucks a month. money really is not a major issue.
5) you'll make new friends. every time you pull up to a light, the car sitting next to you will roll down its window and the driver will ask about your ride. every time you pull up next to a scooter you'll give each other the "we're cool" nod (if you pull up next to a harley you're better off not making eye contact).
4) absolute freedom at a fraction of the time. think of how many times you've passed up going somewhere because taking the subway and the amount of time involved just didn't seem worth it. whether you want to go from the west side to the east side, uptown to downtown, whether you want to go visit a friend, run an errand or hit your favorite restaurant, the scooter will get you there and quickly. and you can park anywhere. even on the sidewalk. you just need to learn the tricks of the trade.
3) it's like playing a video game. the only difference is you have one life. as your confidence grows you'll go from riding 15 mph up and down your street to weaving in and out of traffic and shooting the gap during rush hour on madison avenue (shooting the gap is squeezing between two cars in stealth like fashion).
2) driving a scooter will make you feel like this. taking the subway while knowing you could be driving a scooter will make you feel like this.
1) you look cool...

so please please please do yourself a favor and get one of these...

i like being an uncle

2008-08-01T18:46:00.030-04:00

this past week i was in utah hanging with family and friends. utah + family + friends + nice weather + boating + golfing + swimming + silver fork lodge = a really really good time, and a well needed respite from the city grind. the highlight of the trip was hanging with the nieces and nephews. i have four now. the two youngs ones, dillon (5 months) and brooke (13 months), while very cute, aren't exactly crazy about their uncle; every time i picked up dillon he threw up and every time i picked up brooke she cried. but madison (7) and blake (3) are finally coming around and seemed to have warmed up to me.

here are a few photos from the trip...

i'm not quite sure if blake is just smiling, or doing his impression of an overjoyed asian boy.

one of grandpa's favorite things to do is to take the grandkids hiking. the hike usually consists of a 5 minute walk along the side of a road. but kudos to dad. this appears to be a bit more rugged.

jason and i talked about it and agreed that i'm maverick and he's goose.

may i propose a toast to the two most beautiful women in utah? wherever they may be...

jason and blake cheated in our alpine slide competition. jason didn't tell me that i had to press down on the lever to go fast. he got out to an early lead and madison and i were left in the dust. not cool.

right after taking this photo madison whispered in my ear, "you're my favorite uncle".

papa grande, jason, cam and i went golfing and we brought blake along. he's quite the athlete. oddly, he drives golf balls much straighter than golf carts.

because i don’t have sisters, i found myself comparing madison and blake’s relationship to the relationship i had with my older siblings growing up. there seemed to be some subtle differences. for one, blake likes to wear madison’s dresses. that was an option i was never afforded; cam refused to share his. second, madison seems to be a bit more protective of blake than my brothers were me, unless i misinterpreted the message my brothers sent that one time they stripped me naked in the dead of winter, threw me out on the front porch, locked the door and turned on the lights. contrast that with madison's response when grandpa got upset with blake for spilling cheerios all over the kitchen floor.

madison: grandpa, can i talk to you, in private?

grandpa: uh. sure madison.
madison opens the door to the back deck and takes grandpa outside.
madison: is the door shut?
grandpa: yes.
madison: is it locked?
grandpa: (grandpa tells a white lie). um. yeah.
madison: grandpa. when blake does something you don’t like, you don’t need to get upset. all you need to say is, “blake, stop.” or, “blake, please stop.” but there is no reason to get angry with him.
grandpa: you’re right madison. that’s great advice. is there anything else you’d like to say?
madison: no. that’s all i wanted to tell you.

a bit precocious? yes. but so cute. she really is a great older sister. and blake is an equally great younger brother. hanging out with them was top notch. on the fun scale, being an uncle is up there with kissing girls and riding scooters.

probably the coolest night of my life

2008-07-20T17:44:00.041-04:00

on friday night i attended a billy joel concert. although i like billy joel, i'm not a huge fan. so attending his concert wouldn't normally be on my shortlist of the most amazing things i've ever done. but this concert was special and my circumstance unique.

the concert was special for two reasons. 1) it was held at shea stadium. shea is the home of the ny mets, but it also has the claim of being the first stadium to ever host a concert. it was 40 years ago. and the group was an obscure indie band called the beatles. now 40 years later the stadium is being demolished for a new, state of the art facility, and the native new yorker, the pride of long island, billy joel himself, was given the rightful honor of performing the last concert at shea stadium, hence the promotional tag line for the night - "the last play at shea". 2) because this was the last concert at the stadium that hosted the first concert, billy added a few special guests to the playlist. tony bennett dazzled the crowd with a "ny state of mind"; steven tyler owned the audience with "walk this way"; garth brooks belted "shameless"; roger daltry (from the who) killed it with "my generation". and one other guest (to be revealed later in the post) brought down the house, causing some to tear up, others to feel goose bumps, and even a few to pee their pants from excitement. with such a star-studded cast you can appreciate why this was such a cool event; it was much much more than just a billy joel concert.

i would think that just being at this concert, regardless of the seats, would make for a special evening. but our circumstances were unique, and the evening went way beyond special. a friend of ours, greg whiteley, makes movies. i blogged about our trip to the hampton film festival here, in which we saw a screening of his documentary "resolved" (really really good. currently running on HBO. watch it). for the past few weeks he's been following billy joel, collecting footage with the intent of making a documentary about the singer and the shea concert. greg was generous enough to invite our posse to be his production assistants for "the last play at shea". production assistants (PAs) help the crew filming the documentary with whatever is required, from carrying the camera, to random tasks like getting water or taking earphones from one location to another. for one assignment slade and i went outside the stadium with a camera crew and interviewed the die hard billy joel fans. another assignment took me to the green room where i was to wait for roger daltry to wake up and then notify the producer (while walking to the green room one of the other PAs announced roger was awake, thus ruining my assingment. i figured i shouldn't take her word for such an important task and so i went to the green room to verify. the PA was right. he was awake.). running around got tiring, but it was fun work. and while they offered to pay us, we declined; the benefits of being at an event like that made working for free only seem appropriate.

now being a PA rocks steady for a couple reasons. 1) you get an ear piece and a walkie talkie. for some reason, there is something about an ear piece that just screams sexy and powerful. at least the long, seductive stares from the moderately attractive long island women suggested as much. 2) but easily the best part and the reason my circumstance was so rad is that PAs received all access passes. in case you missed what i just wrote, i wrote ALL ACCESS PASSES. and in case you're retarded, all access means we could go anywhere we wanted. from the green room, to back stage, to the front row. anywhere. anytime. not too shabby.

craig probably had the coolest job. he was greg's right hand man. and greg interviewed each of the special guests for the documentary. craig was hanging out the in the green room after the interviews and snapped a photo of garth, steven and tony. talk about three peas in a pod...

working as a PA required that we go to areas where some of the singers were hanging out. at one point, i stood a few feet away from billy while he chatted with christie brinkley. tony bennett brushed by me on his way to the interviewing room. while assisting one of the cameraman backstage, i watched as billy took the stage and sang the national anthem. while assisting the photographer in the front, i found myself catching eyes from some of the attractive women in the front row (fun fact #1 -- billy joel started a tradition a number of years ago in which he purchases the first two rows at every one of his concerts. he then has one of his assistants go to the last few rows of the stadium and offer these tickets to the die hard fans that are unable to afford the expensive seats. some are skeptical, thinking it's a hoax, and decline. those that accept are escorted to the very front. their excitement level progresses proportionally to their proximity to the stage, climaxing with shrieking screams and tears of joy when they arrive to the front row. perhaps this was a-typical, but it just so happened that at this concert the front two rows were filled with attractive women. kudos to billy's assistant.). i watched from the side of the stage as garth lit the house on fire.

garth wisely donned a mets cap and jersey in an attempt to keep the long islanders from beating up the southern boy. it worked. the stadium loved him.

the highlight of the concert was unquestionably the ending. for the last few songs, a few of us were assisting near the stage and were fortunate enough to see billy perform some of his classics and steven tyler and roger daltry perform two of their hits. it was unbelievably fun to watch them perform from so close.

there is no denying it. steven tyler is dead sexy.

billy, tony, garth, steven and roger all offered stellar performances and in their own right are legends. the show would have been unbelievable had it ended with them. but it didn't. entering from stage left, dressed in a white shirt and black tie reminiscent to the outfit worn 40 years ago, was sir paul mccartney. the pandemonium that ensued is difficult to describe. i, for one, felt goose bumps as the significance of the moment sank in. one of the most influential musical artist of all time, returning to pay homage to the stadium that introduced him to america 40 years prior. he thanked the crowd and then rocked out to "i saw her standing there". billy followed with his ever popular hit "piano man". paul then came back out on stage and closed the concert with "let it be" (fun fact # 2 - we found out earlier in the evening that there was a chance paul mccartney would be flying in from london for the show. he landed, came straight to the stadium and met billy backstage. billy had suggested they sing "she loves you" and "i saw her standing there". paul recommended they do "let it be" instead of "she loves you". billy obliged.).

up close and personal as mr. mccartney wows the crowd with "i saw her standing there".

slade and i quickly snapped a photo during paul's first number. yes. i know. we look like giddy schoolgirls.

billy either just pooped his pants or is absolutely ecstatic about playing backup for paul.

the "hot girls" (roseanne, mary, erin, marilee and andrea), as they preferred to be called, take a moment to pose for us weekly.

the wednesday night crew (mary, greg, jon, craig, melissa and davis). melissa and davis agreed that the friday night show was better cause it really was the "last play at shea". in this photo melissa is goosing davis, and boy does he like it.

anyway, the night was completely surreal. hard work. but absolutely amazing. totally unforgettable. easily in the running for the coolest night of my life. we owe greg big time, and we'll glady repay him as soon as he and erin move to ny.

no. i am not a girl.

2008-07-14T22:51:00.007-04:00

everyday around 3:00 PMish i have a craving for chocolate. like a pregnant woman possessed, i walk across the street to pret a manger and spend $1.50 on one of these...

the chocolate chip cookies at pret rank somewhere between freakin and delicious. they are not quite as good as wegmans, which are the vespa of chocolate chip cookies. however, they provide the necessary fix to my heroine-like addiction.

i am told that this addiction should be somewhat disconcerting as chocolate cravings are more common among the lady folk; being raised by a woman who could eat a bag of nestle chocolate chips in one sitting (somehow she still looks fantastic) only supports this claim. however, i want to go on the record right now and state unequivocally that despite my addiction to chocolate, pedicures and davis, i am not a girl. i'm really not. case closed.

this blew my mind

2008-06-25T23:33:00.008-04:00

art appreciation has never been my forte. until today. cboff forwarded me an e-mail that blew me away. all this rhyming is making me sound a bit gay. that's ok.

maybe you have already seen this, but i hadn't. and it's downright ridonculous. this dude, julian beever, apparently does sidewalk art all over the world. and i've never seen the likes of it. i had to post.

the coke bottle. not bad eh. it gets better.

pipe in a sidewalk, fountain on top. is this guy for real?

diving in. what is going on?

my personal favorite. batman & robin. you've got to be kidding me.

introducing, mr. hollywood

2008-06-13T17:58:00.008-04:00

i will admit that on occasion i fantasize about being a singer or an actor. like a distracted 9th grader whose mind wanders to his secret crush during 3rd period algebra, i sometimes stare out my window during work, day dreaming of being on a stage in front of thousands of adoring fans belting out “oops i did it again” or accepting an academy award for actor in a leading role. if having a good voice or delivering a believable line were not prerequisites for either gig, i would quit my job tomorrow, hire davis to be my agent and beg archuleta to let me open for him on his international tour. however, those prerequisites seem as real as my inadequacies; i would qualify my singing and acting as exceptionally average with a real potential for mediocrity. therefore, i have resigned myself to the fact that the only place my fantasy will be realized is in the shower, where i can close my eyes and lose myself in a heart-wrenching rendition of “oh danny boy” or a sweet sounding interpretation of “fix you”. that all changed this past weekend however.

a couple of weeks ago a close friend of mine – j9 – asked me to be apart of a pilot she would be shooting for the ny television film festival. among other things, j9 is an aspiring filmmaker recently accepted into the nation’s top film program (usc) and has previous experience creating short films, as well as a pilot for said festival. she had written a script and wanted me to be one of the main actors. ah hmm. i humbly accepted. and this past weekend i traveled to dc for my acting debut.

at first i was a little disappointed. i had made a few simple requests, namely that the studio provide brie cheese, sliced 1/8 of an inch thick with a sufficient supply of carr's table weight crackers and poland springs bottled water. you can imagine how put off i was when i arrived to a half-empty two-liter of mountain dew and bags of chex mix. davis suggested i storm off the set until my demands were met, but i didn’t. instead, i approached the lighting guy, thinking it’d be noble for an actor to build a relationship with a stagehand. the lighting guy said, “we’re sure excited to work with you brian”. now i was tempted to walk and would have, but visions of me singing alongside jack black at the mtv movie awards wouldn’t let me; my reservoir of superficiality was much deeper than even i was aware.

something that i quickly learned is that each scene takes much longer than you’d think. so much so that you begin to wonder if the director, lighting guy and sound guy are intentionally trying to make everyone hate them. after my sixth bag of chex mix, my time finally arrived. i took my place on the set and with the cameras rolling delivered my first lines. although my delivery would have made brendan fraser's performance in the mummy seem oscar worthy, i like to think of this moment as a monumental one, one that will go down in the annals of cinematic lore. the moment hasselboff became hollywood.

still photo #1: i'm getting ready to deliver my first lines. i'm so nervous.

there is something transformative about being in front of a crew and a camera. there’s something even more transformative about being in front of a crew and camera not having memorized your lines. it’s impossible to appear authentic and makes for poor acting (so i'm told). and worse, you end up stealing looks from your script like a boyfriend who steals looks from an attractive woman. but like a justified girlfriend, the crew and cast weren’t terribly forgiving of the wandering eye. so i hid myself in a room and did my best to learn my lines. this helped. a lot. it didn’t turn me into a regular tom hanks, but it did wonders for the confidence.

still photo #2: the guitar hero scene. j-9 up front, christian on the left, me on the right. love the tongue wag. nice work c.

as shooting progressed, i felt more at home in front of the camera, more capable of interpreting the script, more natural at delivering my lines, and even more comfortable hamming it up with the cast and crew. one time while the camera was rolling, i delivered my line in this real funny voice. it’s that one mimicking voice davis and i do. man was it funny. everyone laughed except the director cause we had to do another take. but boy was i in my element.

still photo #3: this is me being downright silly.

i was sad to see the filming come to an end. all in all, i really enjoyed acting and thought i did a pretty amazing job. i’m considering taking a few head shots and putting together a comp card. now that i have a credit and all. anyway, the pilot will be submitted later this month, and if accepted, will air at the festival in september. if that happens, chances are hasselboff will be headed to hollywood.

mustache may

2008-05-19T22:14:00.015-04:00

last month a few of us decided we would hold a mustache competition. the idea was to see who could grow the coolest, creativest, cleverist, baddest, raddest mustache during the month of may. i thought for sure i was a lock for first given a) my ability to grow a full beard by 3:00 pm and b) the competition. it takes davis a month to put together a patchwork of facial hair. and i figured slade and craig, while capable of decent growth, would be no match given my werewolf-like tendencies.

there was only one problem. craig decided to invite his cousins from the colony of mexico to enter the competition. and while there was some controversy over the fairness of including contestants with permastaches (staches that have been the same since birth) “los primos” were clearly worthy of top honors and ended up running away with the whole thing. it is with great admiration that i announce the winners of the 2008 mustache may competition...

3rd place goes to miguel miguel, whose half handlebar is as sexy as his toupee is real. when asked how he felt about placing third, miguel miguel responded, "vote for pedro".

2nd place honors go to hector "handlebar" sanchez, who immediately after submitting this photo died from a lack of sun.

and this years' 1st place trophy goes to juan pierre. juan's finely manicured "pencil-stache" won the judges over as easily as it melts young men's hearts. when asked for his secret to a fine stache, juan curtly exclaimed, "i do not halv crookid eyebrowz."

los primos have decided to donate their winnings to their uncle's future campaign.

i can die a happy man

2008-05-12T23:09:00.012-04:00

i'm not quite sure if what i'm about to tell you will be construed as outright bragging or an embarrassing confession. either way, i can't keep it in. i trust you love me for me and will accept me regardless. so here goes...

i'm gay. and by gay, i mean happy. this past weekend i went to ut. i caught wind that david archuleta's hometown visit would conincide with my trip. this seemed too good to be true. but it wasn't. my buddy, jason mizzle, happened to be coming to utah as well and he happens to be an AI fan. i picked him up from the airport and we made our way to murray high school where the festivities were going down. now i know what some of you may be thinking cause my roommate already expressed it: "two 30 year old dudes hanging out at murray high. not weird." i would agree that it would have been a bit strange had we not shaved our mustaches and discarded the bags of candy before going.

we arrived to a packed stadium; not an empty seat in the bleachers and hoards of screaming 13 year old girls frothing at the mouth, vying for a position along the track where david's motorcade would pass, chanting in robotic tones "must touch david". we stood near the frothing girls, content to just observe and take it all in. but as david's convertible neared something strange happened. a foam-like substance slowly emerged from jason's mouth, while the words "must touch david" flowed from mine. we elbowed our way onto the track, but his car was surrounded by security, FOX crew and paparazzi.

because i'm from nyc, i wear dress coats with jeans. this combination, coupled with putting my finger to my ear while pretending to be listening to a distant voice, created the illusion that i was a member of the security detail.

don't act like this doesn't spell "security"

jason, on the other hand, had fortunately brought his 1.21 gigawatt camera to capture a piece of history. that hardware, coupled with his 5 o'clock shadow, created the illusion that he was a member of the paparrazi. we now were walking alongside the next american idol, me fending off crazed girls, jason snapping photos for his scrap book.

i was able to fend off the crazed girls just long enough for jason to snap a decent photo of my buddy and me.

we followed mr. archuleta past the crowds and to the back of the stage where he was briefly interviewed. he then made his way onto the stage. jason followed with me in tow. there we were. david standing front and center looking out on the 25,000 adoring fans who had assembled to honor the hometown hero; jason and i off in the wings, jason taking photos, me trying to act important.

we moved to the front row alongside the cheer squad. we watched as the boy wonder took the mic. he thanked the crowd for their support in the same manner in which he thanks the judges when they compliment him following a solid performance, "oh thank you. oh thank you." he then favored us with the songs that propelled him to frontrunner status - imagine, angels and stand by me. girls screamed. boys looked on in envy. jason snapped more photos. i clapped my hands and jumped up and down while yelling, "we love you david". i was a happy man.

are the scooter gods trying to tell me something?

2008-05-10T14:43:00.011-04:00

so the scooter didn’t exactly last a long long time. sarah and i picked up my lime green dream last week and drove it in the rain to lincoln center where we met the gang for iron man; iron man rocked the party that rocks the party. following the movie we drove home. i estimate we logged a total of six miles on my new ride. the following evening we excitedly got on the dream, but it didn’t start. at all. weird. maybe it just wasn’t in the mood, i thought. so we subwayed it. the next morning we gave it another go, but nothing. i would have fixed it, but i couldn’t find the on/off switch. so i had no other choice but to return it. fortunately, craig and mary had some friends in town who own a discovery. they graciously offered to haul the vespa to the vespa store. so we tucked my baby in the back, tied the door shut and in stealth-like fashion navigated our way down to soho, avoiding police and tickets along the way.

crammed in the back of the discovery

mary lecturing craig on how to tie a knot

the sales manager agreed to let me exchange the scooter rather than force me to have them fix it; i'm sucking it up and buying a new one. i placed an order for a black beauty. i will pick it up on monday and will hope for the best. having the first one stolen after only six weeks made me think i just had back luck. but with my latest dealings, i’m starting to wonder if the scooter gods don’t think i’m manly enough to drive a vespa. perhaps they want me to ride a lance.

scooter and the city

2008-04-26T08:45:00.022-04:00

those who live in nyc understand acutely the disadvantages of having to rely solely upon public transportation. what many miss most is having a car and all the conveniences that come with it. and while driving a car around your city may be nice, it is my humble, yet authoritative opinion, that riding a vespa around manhattan is 17.6 times more enjoyable, more pleasurable, more rewarding, more awesomer than driving a car around your typical town. it's just downright amazing.

with the weather warming, so too has my craving for a new hog. yesterday i made a visit to the vespa store; this was my 2nd visit in as many weeks. and i'm proud to announce that i put down a deposit on what may be the most beautiful site these eyes have seen since last august.

now i know what you're thinking: "but hassel, i want to ride around town on a vespa et4 with a custom paint job that screams sex magnet. i want to ride this green steed from central park to central perk on a lazy summers day. i want to ride this dream down broadway with a girl on my back and the wind in my hair. " i'm sorry. you can't. it's mine. and with just 600ish miles, it should last me a long long time. or at least until it gets stolen. but until that happens, i will be a very happy man. very happy. in fact, whoever said money can't buy happiness never owned a scooter in nyc.

this is the 2nd reason my city is better than yours.

why my city is better than yours

2008-04-16T00:08:00.006-04:00

this post officially kicks off the blog series, “why my city is better than yours”. this will be an ongoing entry in which i will demonstrate why nyc is better than where you live (unless of course you live here).

reason #1: first rate performances

last night while heading home from work i stumbled upon this performing goldmine. in case the picture doesn’t clearly tell the story, the guy on the left has a face drawn on his stomach and is dancing away, while the guy on the right jams out on the keyboard. while the novelty of street performers wore off long ago, i couldn't resist stopping and watching. and laughing. quite a spectacle. worthy of the proverbially dollar. and just one of many reasons my city is better than yours.

potty training 101

2008-03-11T22:25:00.007-04:00

i want to take this opportunity to congratulate craig and mary on a job well done in potty training parker. all their hard work is paying off...

our repeat complete

2008-03-04T22:24:00.006-05:00

it is with great pride that i post this photo. back to back dodge ball champions. a near impossible achieviment. and we did it in impressive and convincing fashion. we dominated. my mom will be so proud.

david archulawesome

2008-02-27T20:51:00.003-05:00

there are few things on which i feel qualified to speak as an authority. american idol is one of them. i have watched and rewatched more episodes than i care to admit (yes, i'm still straight). and last night topped them all with david archuleta's rendition of "imagine." it was hands down the best vocal performance in idol history...

if mitt is to win in 2012

2008-02-21T20:34:00.004-05:00

the bright side of mitt no longer being in the presidential race is three fold 1) work no longer feels like a distraction from the responsibilities associated with closely following the election 2) craig, mary and parker can hang out and 3) i have time to shower again. but the downsides are real and far outweigh the upsides. for starters, i genuinely felt mitt was a superior candidate given his track record and values and i truly thought he’d be an exceptional president. second, he screamed leadership. davis said it correctly when he observed during one of the final debates that it seemed like a debate between one president (romney) and three congressmen (paul, huckabee and mccain). finally, there is a part of me (and i’m guessing i’m not alone in the mormon community) that wanted mitt to become president because him being president could bring instant normalcy to the lds religion and help further its cause. but it wasn’t meant to be. at least not this go-around.

the chatter of mitt running in 2012 is encouraging. i hope he does. lately i’ve been thinking about what would be different. i’ve read what the pundits have said: that the reasons he lost was because a) he didn’t connect with the general public b) he flipped-flopped and c) he’s mormon. mitt will have to take care of a), i think most people will get over b), but i’m not so sure about c). for some reason the mormon thing is a real sticking point. just prior to mitt dropping out of the race i had a business lunch with a co-worker and two ladies that i had just met. we instantly broke the business world rule of not talking about politics by discussing our preferred candidates. one of the ladies was surprised to learn that i was a mitt supporter. she had a hard time with mitt because of his “non-mainstream religion.” this caught me off guard. i thought this sentiment was confined to the south, but we were lunching in philadelphia.

as i've thought of that experience in the context of mitt running for president in 2012, i’ve considered the ways in which this issue of mitt being a mormon could be marginalized or modified so that it doesn’t negatively affect his chances. there is the possibility that, generally speaking, people will become more open minded and accepting of mitt’s religion or judge him based on his qualifications and not his beliefs. but, as most mormons recognize, the quicker way to change people’s perceptions of mormons is through mormons. or stated differently, the way in which we interact with our friends who are not lds will more quickly change their perception of our religion.

so the logical solution would seem to be that more mormons should move away from utah and less mormons should move back to utah so that there are a greater number of lds people interacting with non-lds people. however, i’ve realized that just living outside utah isn’t enough, and the unfortunate reality, at least in my experience, is that most mormons who do live outside utah spend about as much time with non-mormons (not counting at work) as they would if they were living inside utah. and while work associations help to modify perceptions, it’s the friendships that are created after hours that truly bring down the walls of religious suspicion. but these friendships are often never formed because we, as mormons, often find the hand of fellowship from someone inside the church easier, more natural or comfortable than from someone outside. consequently, we end up passing on opportunities to develop meaningful relationships with people who could deepen our respect and understanding of other religions and cultures while helping them to do the same with ours.

so if we are going to change the perception of the general public of mormons, we'll need to reach out of the social cocoon in which most of us are entwined and develop relationships with those who are not of our faith. oh. and once we’re outside the cocoon it’s important for us to remember to act normal.

don't you dare throw at me...

2008-01-29T23:12:00.001-05:00

i've been consumed by the election. so much so that it's starting to feel like a 2nd job. and i'm starting to hit my breaking point. lately i've been getting headaches whenever i listen to or read anything related to the primaries. make it stop.

fortunately, i've had a few well-needed distractions, not least of which is dodge ball. our team, "Davis Bell and Friends" is the reigning champion. so that means we're pretty awesome. and i think part of the reason we're pretty awesome is due to plays like this...

either the double catch went to my head or following this play the balls were dipped in butter. either way my performance went down hill. good thing the camerawoman stopped filming.

and the favorite uncle award goes too...

2007-12-08T19:02:00.000-05:00

that freakin jerk cam (aka cammy baby jr). he's won the award like six times straight and frankly it's getting old. his davis-like shenanigans with the nieces and nephew aren't fooling anyone, except the nieces and nephew. so what that he spends more time with them. so what that he throws them in the air, tickles them til they wet their pants, chases them endlessly around the house and takes them on magical pony rides. i swear, if People Magazine published an issue of the 50 nicest guys in the world he'd land somewhere in the top ten. but since i'm being frank, i won't hesitate to say that i'm tired of it. this was suppose to be MY year. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE AWESOME UNCLE!!!

thanksgiving in dallas is always a crazy crazy time. you get the brothers together and forget about it. aside from stuffing turkey in our mouths ("that's the only way to eat a [turkey]" 5 points to the first person who can name the group or song), we went hot tubing, watched movies, played x-box and even stayed up past midnight once. if i'm not painting a clear enough picture of how off the hook it was, just watch mtv spring break and you'll know what it was like.

the highlight of the trip for me personally was losing to my dad in racquetball. twice. by a lot. it's cool cause he's in his 60's and i'm 30. so that makes sense.

a favorite family past time is taking candid photos of each other. because we're all creative, artsy-fartsy types, we prefer a very natural, "i-had-no-idea-you-were-taking-a-picture-of-me" feel to our shots.

exhibit a - the grandparents and grand kids

two things stand out to me in this photo. 1) my brother jason and his wife sarah are producing some very attractive kids and 2) my dad did very well for himself.

exhibit b - date night

i don't love being the 9th wheel to my parents, three older brothers and their wives/fiance. so when we went to the x-mas musical i was ecstatic that madison was my date. she looked amazing and was a great conversationalist. i thought we had had a really memorable night until the following morning when i asked her if she had fun at the concert. she replied, "uh huh. did you go?" no joke.

exhibit c - the family photo

you probably noticed that i look considerably taller than my brothers (no. they're not kneeling). for some reason, lately i've been drawn to girls who are into this height thing. apparently tall is in. so i've been taking growth hormones and am starting to see some favorable results.

anyways, i had a really fun thanksgiving. i love being with the family.

welcome to B&B B&B. we’ll leave the seat up…

2007-11-17T11:05:00.000-05:00

two realities of living in manhattan are 1) friends and family like visiting the city and 2) they need a place to stay. and stay they will. over the past month we’ve had people crash with us off and on, cumulatively for more than 15 of the 30 days. and it doesn’t look like it’ll be slowing down anytime soon. i’ve already booked two groups for december who want to experience the christmas season in ny (i hope that’s ok d. i should have checked with you first. an acquaintance of mine asked if some people from his mission could crash with us. shouldn’t be a big deal).

by law, if guests occupy a resident for over half a month then the tenants must incorporate and treat said resident as a business establishment. so in the spirit of statutory obedience we have incorporated our apartment and are officially Boffman&Bail Bed&Breakfast. please spread the word…

Located just minutes from panhandlers, pickpockets and nothing worth seeing, Boffman&Bail Bed&Breakfast has somehow emerged as THE place to stay for family members, friends and even friends of friends. Boasting nearly 400 square feet of living space, 8’ ceiling heights and running water, B&B B&B brings new meaning to the term boutique and makes the neighboring hostel seem like the Ritz.

At this “home away from home” you’ll feel like the place is yours as you help yourself to a nearly empty pantry; kick your feet up and veg-out while watching reruns of “the hills” with boff and bail; enjoy a screaming hot and bone chilling shower simultaneously as you are unable to figure out how to work the shower knobs; and rest your weary head with a memorable nights sleep on either a cozy couch that guarantees a trip to the chiropractor, or an over sized air mattress that guarantees the owners will trip and bump their heads while trying to navigate to the kitchen for a glass of water. At B&B B&B your satisfaction is our top priority.

Here is what some of our valued guest have to say about us…

“Think of the best hotel you’ve ever stayed at. Got it? Now think of the exact opposite. Welcome to B&B B&B.” – Christian B.

“It has a very interesting, almost government-housing-like feel to it.” – Ryan A..

“What B&B B&B lacks in size, it more than makes up for with its breathtaking views of the neighbors’ family room.” - Braden B.

“Everything you wouldn’t expect if you stayed at the W.” – C Boff

Don’t miss out on a truly 3rd-class lodging experience. Reserve your spot now by calling 987.654.3210. Call-takers are standing by.

Welcome to B&B B&B. We'll leave the seat up.

they may take our lives, but they’ll never take…OUR HALOOOOOO

2007-11-02T19:17:00.000-04:00

i’m kinda embarrassed to admit this, but i’m 30 years old and i just now found out how awesome halo is. i hold my parents responsible for not forcing me to play halo years ago like good parents who force a child to learn the piano. it’s a shame that so much time has been lost on useless activities like reading. but better late than never i guess. i must thank craig, slade and davis for making the introduction. i’ve caught the halo bug. and fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on whom you ask) the bug has infected friends in the city and beyond; buddies from ny to san fran are now on the halo train. and the beauty of halo, should you not be plugged-in, is that we can all play each other from the comforts of our own freakin couch ala x-box live. amazing. i know.

there’s just one small problem. it seems girlfriends and wives (not speaking from firsthand experience as I have neither) are – how should i put this – somewhat less excited about halo than the men. and by somewhat less excited i mean they hate it. i’m sensing that this love/hate relationship over halo may cause tiffs in some relationships and i’m concerned that if there is trouble in paradise than the quality and duration of our halo matches may move in a downward direction. and that’s cause for real concern. and so i feel compelled to write this, for the benefit of both my friends’ relationships and our halo matches.

i have no doubt that the reason the girls despise halo is NOT jealousy-induced as a result of seeing their man derive a very high degree of satisfaction and enjoyment from playing a video game with their buddies. that would just be lame and not wanting your man to play halo for this reason would be borderline diabolical and beneath the dignity of the ladies to whom my friends are tied. so since it’s not an issue of jealousy, i’m left to conclude that it’s an issue of neglect. the ladies don’t want to feel neglected by their man. and to this problem i see only one solution: girls, find your halo.

someone i know (who will remain nameless lest he be tracked down by a hoard of irate women and forced to turn over his x-box) made the observation that, on average, men seem to have more interests or activities (i.e. playing basketball, or cards or x-box) than women. as well, men have a greater need for same sex camaraderie. this combination is a recipe for neglect. put in basic math terms: time spent doing activities + doing those activities with other men = a wife feeling neglected. but this feeling of neglect does not have to exist. the solution is simple and effective: girls, find your halo. maybe your halo is cooking, or sewing, or lifting weights or flying kites; it could be – dare I say – playing halo. whatever it is, you having your own halo will bring a new dimension of fulfillment into your life and will allow you to find your happy place when your man sits down for nightly combat.

as an afterword, i think it’s worth reminding the women that many boyfriends and husbands spend time doing activities away from the home, some of which are much more reprehensible than playing a video game. in our case, the man is sitting at home, on the couch, next to his princess, quietly honing his combat skills so that he’ll be prepared to protect his princess should the need arise. i, for one, think this is a noble form of sacrifice and among the highest demonstrations of love. his efforts must be appreciated and rewarded. one idea - dress in something sexy, wrap your arms around your man and whisper in his ear, “i want you to make sweet sweet halo with your buddies tonight.”

“Show me a man who puts in two hours of halo a day, and I’ll show you a man equipped to take on the virtual battles of life” - your mom

four warriors training

love and tragedy

2007-10-30T21:35:00.000-04:00

sarah was in town a few weeks back. she recently posted some pictures and two are worth sharing as they both tell two heart-touching stories - one of love, the other of tragedy.

as i've mentioned in past posts, i discovered inline down in the village a few months back and my life hasn't been the same since. we continue to enjoy an on-going love affair. i love this pic, partly because i'm vain and i like seeing myself play inline hockey, but mostly because it's a cool pic that captures the essence of my favorite ny activity. nice work sarah.

truth be told, inline's love couldn't have come at a more ideal time; my heart had just been broken by vespa and i was considering bungee jumping off the brooklyn bridge without a bungee cord. inline rescued me.

i met vespa back in july and we quickly fell in love. it wasn't a superficial love. it was deep and real and meaningful, much like my relationship with veronica coleman in the 4th grade. because davis tends to be attracted to girls i like, it should come as no surprise that he started dating vespa's twin sister. the affect vespa had on my life was very similar to the affect her sister had on davis. life was just good with vespa in it.

then one morning she was gone, literally taken by a thief in the night. my heart broke. tragic really.

fortunately davis is generous and he shares his vespa with me. i'm allowed to ride it from 1:00 am - 6:00 am, tuesday - thursday. but he made a special exception since sarah was in town. and we spent friday night touring the city. we had a great time and it was so much fun to hang out. but this pictures make me miss my vespa.

come on, do the hampty hamp, uh huh, do the hampty hamp.

2007-10-21T21:24:00.000-04:00

this past weekend the crew went to the hampton film festival. craig did the music for "resolved", a documentary about high school debate. it was a great movie (actually it won the L.A. film festival) and the music was as good as the movie was entertaining. here's the recap...

melissa, davis, slade, andrea and i went up late friday night. the highlight of the drive: playing "shut up". one person sings a song and the moment someone can think of a song that has at least one word from the song being song, that person yells "shut up" and starts singing the new song. sounds awesome, huh. it is. the low point of the drive: i got a ticket for standing/parking in a handicap spot. how lame is that. i tried to explain to the officer that i did it for my special buddy, slade, who suffers from an inability to be awesome, but he didn't buy it. apparently slade really is awesome.

we stayed in south hampton with craig, mary and parker at marys' dentist's house. that's right. marys' dentist's house. we were going to stay at davis' thereapist's place, but it was booked for the weekend. the house was muy nice. here's a shot of d-bell, mel and me chillin on the oversized couch/my bed.

we spent saturday at the beach laying out, having running races, swimming (yes, swimming in october) and playing football. here is a photo of our wicked awesome team scheming an ingenious play that netted negative four yards. rob (craig's boss is on the left) greg (the director of resolved) is the guy looking deeply into my eyes, and erin (greg's wife) is wishing she were wrapped in a warm blanket.

parker likes to live on the edge. or perhaps he loves surfing. whatever it is, he kept trying to get in the water, which wasn't calm. i followed closely behind and saved his life like 12 times. anyway, we decided to be best friends. we took this picture to make it official.

after the beach we had a bbq back at the pad and then headed to the movie. it was a packed house and there was a Q&A afterwards. greg did a great job fielding the questions and the movie seemed to be a hit with the crowd. all in all, a really fun/cool experience. after the movie we took a party of 13 to a nice restaurant and made friends with the waitress by ordering water, appetizers and two desserts.

good times...

the transient impact

2007-10-18T21:33:00.000-04:00

the other night davis and i chatted (via i-chat) with two close friends (liz and laura) with whom we hung out regularly when they lived in the city; they have since moved to china to find eternal companions. after we got off i couldn't help but think about the number of friends that have gone, or come and gone, during my time in manhattan. i would say roughly 87% (i'm a numbers guy mind you) of the people with whom i have associated on some level beyond that of just acquaintances are no longer here. pretty soon it'll just be davis, me and the cats. unless, of course, melissa decides to propose to davis, which would leave just me and the cats.

i'm realizing that if i stay in ny long-term, maintaining the same group of close friends for the same duration is unlikely as sooner or later it seems everyone (with the exception of the moe's) grows weary of the city and moves on. i guess this turnover could be viewed as both a good and a bad thing right. on the one hand, you are forced to constantly make new friends, thus avoiding becoming socially closed-off and encouraging an outgoing disposition. as well, i would imagine family bonds are more easily formed here as familial relationships would offer the support and stability that is often provided by long-lasting friendships. on the other hand, developing meaningful friendships with people is not an easy process as you've got to sift through countless small-talk conversations to find those people with whom you really click. as well, it's difficult to replicate the type of quality friendships that have the benefit of time.

i don't know what to make of all this except that if i end up staying in ny long-term, it seems the only way of ensuring a permanent fixture of friendship is by getting married. maybe i should move to china.

blake: one handsome nephew

2007-09-29T18:59:00.001-04:00

next weekend i travel to glorious columbus, oh to visit this little guy, his two sisters and parents. i never appreciated why people made such a big deal about nieces and nephews until i had one. it really is fun. my brother sent me this photo and i can't get over how handsome he is.

the constant seducer

2007-09-23T17:55:00.000-04:00

i understand why people don't like new york. there are lifestyle disadvantages (which davis reminds me of every time he has to ride the subway) that can be annoying and tiresome...paying out the nose to live in a shoe box; going through money like it's toilet paper; sweating and freezing in the summer and winter respectively; the nuisance of getting across town or downtown or all around; bad stenches; panhandlers and weirdos. you get the idea. i have my moments of longing to live in a place where re-fills are free and work days are short. but these moments are typically short-lived and my love for the city-life re-surfaces. i recently passed through one of these "freak, i want to move west" moments, and lately i've been wondering why manhattan is able to seduce me more easily than a 20 year old uvsc coed at a park crossing pool party.

while many favor wide-open spaces and small crowds, i find a degree of satisfaction and contentment from living in a densely populated and built environment. sure, the other places offer larger and nicer and less expensive living accommodations. but you manage by making ny your home - central park becomes the backyard, barnes and noble the library, the gym the exercise room, the cleaners the laundry room (they wash and fold my clothes), and the limitless restaurants the kitchen. so while it sounds nice to have a mansion overlooking a lake filled with caramel, the convenience of having everything i need so close, coupled with the qualities that make ny so unique and wonderful, is what seduces me into urban submission.

perhaps it's the a.d.d., but the pace and chaos and culture and energy and buildings do something to me. i'm not easily bored here. there is much to see and more to do. the people are interesting, both to look at and listen to. this past weekend i went with some friends to washington square park. a crowd had formed around a group of singers and musicians. they were talented. but what made the concert so entertaining was what my friend, jordan, referred to as "the battle of the crazies." one drunk dude stood in front of the band and danced awkwardly alone, while another weird dude resembling a sheep herder/bird-watcher paced around the crowd making awkward gawking noises. a bit bazaar? yes. but interesting and funny and different. the culture is as unique as the diversity is endless. and more importantly, the talent and intelligence and beauty and creativity of ny are as exceptional as the city is inspiring. that's why i'm always a bit surprised when ny's seductive powers are powerless to those who find manhattan to be an unbearable home. but maybe it has nothing to do with seduction. maybe i'm just an urbanite at heart.

hockey on houston

2007-09-16T18:05:00.001-04:00

if i were to list those things from which i derive the most enjoyment, reciting poetry would be at the top of the list. but a very very close second would be playing hockey. i started playing when i was five and played off and on growing up, in college and after. when i moved to manhattan i wanted to play either ice or roller but the organized leagues didn't jive with my schedule or bank account; games were often on sunday and the leagues were uber pricey. but a couple of months ago i found out that a bunch of dudes play pick-up roller hockey down in the village on the weekends. i was pumped (to put my level of excitement into perspective, i felt how davis feels every time he watches an episode of newport harbor). i dusted off my skates and headed down to houston and 6th ave for my first nyc hockey experience. i was not disappointed. the competition and ambiance were exceptional. i played for four hours and went home exhausted, but in bliss.

hockey in nyc is unique, partly because of the diverse mix of guys and partly because of the location. you get the guys from the bronx who make you wonder if they're sponsored by the mafia; you get the attorneys and the bankers; you get the college students and the college drop-outs; you even get celebrities (tim robbins and i played on the same team yesterday. as this photo clearly depicts, i'm the handsome guy with the black shirt looking to the left and he's sitting to the right with the red/black pants and black shirt looking at the camera. we're pretty tight. i scored the winning goal in one of our games and he tried to carry me off on his shoulders.).

playing hockey on houston and 6th has the added advantage of being located right between soho and the village and therefore is a major thoroughfare for locals and tourists going between the two neighborhoods. crowds gather to watch the games (or perhaps tim); attractive women wander buy. this combination, coupled with the urban surroundings, makes for a very cool ambiance. and this ambiance, coupled with competitive hockey, makes hockey on houston an ideal saturday afternoon activity. almost as ideal as competing in the nuyorican poetry slam...

this is the start of something new...

2007-09-12T23:00:00.000-04:00

there really wasn't a close second to "don't hassel the boff". kook-man bell deserves the credit. but slade and craig deserve high merits for their creative genius...

hilarious. they did an amazing job of transposing my face onto davis' body and convincing everyone that it was david hasselhoff himself. nice work boys.

so this is my blog. welcome.