a note to my future girlfriend

hi future girlfriend,

i’d like to share a story with you.

my junior year of college my brother, cameron, and i came to new york to interview for internships. we didn’t know the city well, so our dad, who had spent the early part of his career working in manhattan, offered to book us a reservation. for reasons unknown to me, he put us at the hotel chelsea. when we arrived i couldn’t help but notice a bar located adjacent to the hotel. most of the people frequenting the bar were dressed in black leather and tattoos. as i walked into the hotel, i made some judgmental assumptions about the character of the people who would dress in such a manner and hang out at such a place.

as cameron and i were checking in, a tall man, dressed in black leather and tattoos entered the hotel and walked directly towards me. my heart raced. i was convinced this man had read my thoughts outside the hotel and was coming to give me my just deserts. in my mind’s eye i envisioned him knocking me out, dragging me by the hair back to the bar, tying me up with his leather tassels and branding me with “i love frank” tattoos. but i noticed that the dude was carrying our bags (apparently the taxi driver didn’t know he was supposed to bring our bags to our room and instead left them on the curb). he walked up to us and said, “you’re not in kansas anymore boys”, set the bags down, turned around and left. the scary dude turned out to be a decent dude after all.

i share this story with you because it demonstrates why it is so inappropriate to make assumptions solely based off appearance, and i'm concerned that you, my future girlfriend, may unwittingly fall into this trap once you find out that i live with my best friend and his wife. i would hate for our relationship to be denied the opportunity of realizing its true potential simply because you think something must be wrong with a 32 year old who would live in a 500 square foot apartment with newlyweds, a puppy, an over sized couch, two large bikes, an assembled rock band set and an african drum. so before you make the biggest mistake of your young life by hastily assigning me to your list of “undatables”, i would humbly request that you consider the following…

1) because you are my future girlfriend, i’m guessing you are young enough to still be living with your parents. so in reality we are not that different. we both live with a married couple.

2) by living with a married couple i am learning important skills that will make me a much better boyfriend. for instance, i have learned that a puppy likes it when you speak in a really high voice and say the words, “you are my perfect princess” over and over and over again. and then one more time just for good measure. just think how well trained i’ll be and how good you’ll feel when i whisper in your ear, “you are my perfect princess. definitely my perfect princess. definitely. definitely my perfect princess.”

3) no single, thirty-something-year-old dude should be denied the gift of living with his best friend, married or not. to deny a man that right would just be lame and almost un-American. surely you can understand that. i would think you would find it attractive for a man like myself to stand up to unreasonable social norms that would restrict such liberties. will you join me in this crusade?

4) it’s awesome when melissa goes to bed early cause davis and i can stay up and play halo.

5) please understand that this living arrangement is in no way a permanent thing. i give this 2, 3 years tops.

6) when i bring you home, should we find a sock on the frontdoor handle, that’s code for melissa’s making lasagna and you’re invited. for the fun of it, we'll scream in cafe rio-like fashion "FREE MEAL" and then wait five mintues before entering.

see. you have nothing to worry about. i’m a perfectly normal guy. i’d go so far as to say a catch, really. actually definitely. definitely a catch. definitely. a catch definitely.

we're totally normal. i promise.

a special day

davis and melissa got married last friday. it was in many ways an ideal day. melissa looked beautiful. davis looked dashing. the ceremony and reception were memorable and fun. this video captured the occasion well.   


Davis and Melissa from Joshua Brown on Vimeo. 

davis asked me to say a few words at the reception. this is what i said: 

as i have thought about davis and melissa's courtship, its duration and its ups and downs, i couldn't help but feel a sense of relief that davis fell in love with someone who was endowed with the gifts of patience and loyalty. melissa is an extremely loyal person - loyal to her family, loyal to her friends and loyal to davis. and davis is a better man for it. i know davis well, probably better than he wishes. and i believe that melissa's patience and loyalty were well spent.

frequently, when i speak with people who know that davis and i are close friends, i am told something like this, "davis is one of the funniest people i have ever met." i have heard that statement, or one like it, so many times that it has become a bit obnoxious. i am tired of being davis' ed mcmahon. i share this with you because i believe that statement highlights one of davis' greatest gifts - his sense of humor. his quick wit and descriptive prowess are unmatched. people are drawn to davis and find him so much fun to be around because of his ability to make others laugh. but i love davis, not just because he is a funny person, but more so because he is a good person.

recently, davis, melissa and i were headed from our apartment to the gym for our annual work out. we walked up our street and happened upon an older gentlemen lying in a pile of trash bags. our street is fairly busy and it was after work, so many people had likely passed him by. we stopped and davis asked the old man if he was ok. the old man mumbled something we couldn't understand and it quickly became apparent he was drunk and had probably passed out. davis suggested we help him up and we did. once upon his feet, the old man became self conscious and understandably so. his pants had fallen below his waist so that his bum was completely exposed. as well, it looked as though he had needed to use the bathroom but had forgotten to zip down; the front of his pants were soaked. because our hands were full trying to keep this guy steady, davis asked melissa to help the old man pull up his trousers. and she did. talk about loyalty. 

at this point, i was feeling we had done our good deed and could take off.  davis was concerned that if we left him, he'd likely pass out again. and because it was 10 degrees outside, he was worried the man could become ill, or worse, could die from hypothermia. so i walked back to the apartment to grab a warmer coat and to powder my nose. when i returned davis had sat the old man down on some steps and had called 911. help arrived a short while later and we headed for the gym.

i share this story because it demonstrates some of davis' more angelic attributes. davis is a very empathetic, selfless, caring person, and i believe that these attributes, coupled with his sense of humor, will make him an exceptional husband and father. and i know that melissa will be an equally exceptional wife and mother.

i am uniquely unqualified to offer any pearls of wisdom on marriage. so without further adieu, i would like to say to the bride and groom, i love you, and my hope is that your love and friendship will continue to grow, and bring you a lifetime and eternity of true joy and happiness.

babysitter anyone?

my latest obsession: table tennis

i don't even remember how i found it. maybe it was fortuitous. perhaps it was destiny. but a short while ago i discovered the wang chen table tennis club, located on 100th st. between broadway and west end, just five blocks from my apartment. i love table tennis. some of my most vivid childhood memories are of late nights spent in the basement in heated ping pong battles with my dad and brothers. i can even remember thinking that one day i wanted to play ping pong for the usa in the olympics. i was intrigued that such a place existed in the city and so i wandered in. i was greeted by two young asian ladies who informed me in broken english that the club was closed. they gave me a brochure and sent me on my way.

one of the reasons i love this city is because of the interesting people you meet and places you discover, sometimes right under your nose. this ping pong establishment is operated by wang chen. chen was born and raised in china. she was picked to play table tennis when she was in the first grade. she and her classmates threw balls into a basket and whoever landed three became table tennis specialists. by 9 she was training with the junior national team; by 11 she was a professional, training 8 hours a day; at 14, she became the junior singles champion; and at 17 she became a member of the chinese national team where she rose to the rank of #4 in the world. much to her dismay, however, she was passed over for the atlanta and sydney olympics. while her ranking alone would typically have qualified her for the games, the olympic committee limits china to three players because of its worldwide dominance in the sport. and the three chinese players that were olympic bound happened to hold the world rankings of #1, 2 and 3. following the sydney games, chen retired from ping pong and immigrated to the states. time past. chen was focused on teaching. but then a couple years ago one of her students convinced her she should make another go of pursuing her dream. although long past her prime and in her early thirties (considered an advanced age in the competitive world of ping pong), she started training again. this past summer she fulfilled her dream, representing the usa in beijing and becoming the first american to make it to the quarterfinals in olympic competition. as of september, she was ranked #1 in north america and #15 in the world.

pursed lips means it's business time.

i didn't know any of this the first time i met chen. i walked into the club one wednesday night and entered my name with a friendly asian lady who was marking down players for the weekly table tennis tournament. "do you give lessons?". "yes. $100 an hour", the lady replied. "wow. that's a bit steep. are you worth it?". she responded simply, "yes". i told her i'd give it some thought and went in to warm up. it wasn't until after my humiliating debut in which i lost in straight games to a well mannered australian that i learned of her background. the aussie, who incidentally went on to win the tournament thus softening the blow to my ego from my embarrassing loss, pointed to a massive poster hanging on the wall. i hadn't noticed that it was of the friendly asian lady. she was dressed in usa olympic garb and was competing in the beijing olympics. he told me her story. i felt sheepish for questioning the value of her lessons.

chen in her attack position.

since that tournament i have been addicted. i became a card carrying member of chen's club, i take lessons from her underlings (there are a number of teenage asian girls that come to the states for a year to learn english. they are wicked awesome ping pong players and they teach lessons to earn money. they charge quite a bit less than chen. so i take from them. but because they don't speak english, chen stands nearby and offers suggestions. so in a way i get a $100 lesson at a fraction of the cost), and every wednesday night i compete in chen's tournament. typically 14 - 16 people show up. she splits the group into two pools and each competitor plays everyone in his or her respective pool once. the top two from each pool go into a playoff. the runner up takes home a trophy. the winner claims not only a trophy, but also a $60 gift certificate for a haircut from a local salon. so far my best showing is 5-2. that wasn't good enough to make the playoffs. prior to joining the club i considered myself a fairly solid recreational player. since then i've realized i'm quite a ways from turning my childhood goal of going to the olympics into a reality. while i've had some honorable victories, i've had even more noteworthy losses. just to mention a few...

1. i lost to a 5th grader. daniel is a slightly overweight kid with hair like josh groban and grace like chris farley. he was born and raised on the upper west side and is evidence that kids from manhattan do, in fact, grow up more quickly. he asked what i do for work and when i told him i'm in real estate private equity, he quipped, "great industry to be in right now." he's 11. but the kids got my number. when i was getting ready for a lesson he told me how to say "i need to learn how to serve" in chinese, but what he really taught me was, "i think you're beautiful", which must have been a little creepy for my instructor to hear given she is a 16 yr old asian girl. but my personal favorite was the consoling words he offered upon dismantling me 3 games to 1: "don't worry. you'll be as good as me when you're 11".

daniel and i pose for a photo op during our weigh-in just prior to the match.

2. i lost to a 15 year old girl. this loss was perhaps the most frustrating. i beat her the first game and was feeling very confident. i won the first few points in the 2nd game and then she walked around to my side of the table and asked if she could see my paddle. "ooohhhhh" she said as she examined the double-sided pips. "oohh"? what does that mean, i wondered. she walked back to her side of the table and cast a funky spell on her serve; my powers to return proved useless. she went on to win 2 games to 1

3. i lost to a handicap. there's an older gentlemen who shows up to the tournaments on something that looks likes this. he scoots over to his assigned ping pong table, and like a paraplegic moving from a wheelchair to a bed, he shifts himself from his scooter onto a chair positioned at the end of the table. you know where i'm going with this. and the answer is yes. i really did lose to a guy who played me sitting down. am i embarrassed? yes. frankly, i am.

4. i lost to a celebrity. not long ago i was at the club playing when this guy walked in...

judah friedlander from thirty rock.

i didn't want to make a big scene. so in a very smooth way i blurted out "OH MY GOSH. I'M A HUGE FAN OF YOURS!!!" and then i started to cry. he was flattered. we introduced ourselves and then i went back to playing my game. after beating my opponent chen told him to play me. he walked over and said, "it's ryan, right?". "yeah, you're juno?". "no. judah", he replied. sometimes i really am an idiot. it took me three minutes to forget a guy's name to whom just three minutes prior i had gushed of how big a fan i was. he was such a down to earth dude and was more than happy to accommodate one of the asian instructors who requested a picture with him. we played for a while. he has a nasty serve. i couldn't figure it out. so he beat me every time.

these loses taken individually are mostly just embarrassing (except for the one to judah. that was just cool), but collectively they have forced me to become more realistic about my table tennis aspirations. winning chen's wednesday night tournament has become my new olympics. that is unless i have a date with destiny in london come 2012. but either way, i'm just fortunate to have stumbled upon chen's club.

happy holidays from the hasselboff

courtesy of slade combs

pick em pool

for the past 5 years i have participated in a nfl pick em pool. originally, the group was small, consisting of about 15 friends. word spread of the raucous time we were having and this year there are 44 of us. playing in the pool can be fun and frustrating. right now i’m loving life because i’m ranked #2. it’s aggravating when you don't do well because you have to endure the trash talking and humiliation that comes with doing so poorly. but it’s especially frustrating for those who actually know something about football and still end up losing to guys who think that each game consists of three periods or is played with a round ball that you hit around with your feet.

one of the participants, whose identity has not been revealed (otherwise i would definitely make mention of him here), put together a video that depicts the frustration that one feels at the bottom of the pack...

slandrea's children

c-boff introduced me to a site that has the technology to accurately determine what the offspring of two people would like should they mate. they do this by taking two photos of the partners and through some magical methods whip up an image of the child. i figured a sneak preview of what slandrea's children will look like may just be the extra incentive they need to get started making babies. so i took the liberty of conducting an experiment and i submitted their photos to the baby making experts. i had wondered if the results would be as accurate for them as they were for chris and maeve, whose child is a spitting image of the parents. i think slandrea will be quite pleased.

arr matey!!! el capitan has his mother's eyes and father's lips

the princess has her mother's eyes and father's lips